Hudson's Story July 2002 - Lee and I were expecting our second baby (my first pregnancy ended at 8 weeks with a miscarriage the week of Sept. 11, 2001). We were preparing to move to Budapest to work with The Alliance for Saturation Church Planting. Our plan was to leave for Hungary when the baby was 8 weeks old, around the middle of October. We were living temporarily with my mom and dad in Indiana as we finished raising support for our ministry in Hungary. So, we went to Atlanta to meet with supporters and friends and to attend a staff retreat with the church where Lee was on staff. We stayed with very close friends, Ed & Susan Hart, whom I had lived with when Lee and I were engaged. While we were there, I had intense back pain so bad that I couldn't find a position that was comfortable. I hadn't been this pregnant before, so I assumed that this was just one of those things that happened in the last trimester. Later I would realize that it was most likely preterm labor (mostly back labor). On July 2, I was a little more than 34 weeks pregnant and Lee and I went out for dinner with some friends of his. I remember him rubbing my back a lot because it hurt so much. We went to bed and Lee eventually wound up on our friends' couch because I was so restless in my sleep. He would admit later that he was a little irritated! At 2am, I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed a trickle that was not the usual. As I sat there, it became a gush and I realized with a huge shock that my water had broken. I didn't freak out right away, but just got a towel and woke Lee up with "I think we need to head to the hospital. My water just broke." We woke our friends and headed to a hospital. Once in the car, I started to cry. This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. We moved from Colorado to Indiana so we would be with family and friends when the baby was born. So, driving around North Atlanta with Lee calling information to find a local hospital with labor & delivery was not the kind of birth experience we had in mind. We arrived at the hospital and I was checked in. Once the nurse confirmed that my water had broken, I was hooked up to a monitor and our long wait started. I called my mom while in the car. I called her at 2:30am and she walked into my hospital room around 10am. It was such an incredible blessing that we had miles to fly her down and that she could be available so quickly. I calmed down a little having my mom there. My friend, Susan, with whom we were staying, also was there with me. My dad, sister and brother started driving down to Atlanta from Indiana. Our whole family was supposed to meet in Myrtle Beach later that week, so it just moved up their departure by a few days. A funny side note - when I called Whitney to tell her I was in labor, she said "you have no idea how shocked I am!" to which I responded, "yes, I think I do, actually!" As they were driving to Atlanta, they had some engine trouble. I don’t remember the specifics, but I think they had to keep the car running at all times or they weren’t guaranteed it would start again. The doctor I had at first was pretty brusque. He did an ultrasound...a very basic one...and basically said, "I don't really know how to read this, but the baby's head is down, so that’s good." Great, glad you know what's going on. If he had been able to see more, he would have probably scheduled a C-section right away. So, after more back labor, I finally got an epidural and things got better. I called a few friends to tell them what was happening. I would say our mood was cautiously optimistic all day. The doctor said that at 34 weeks, the lungs were pretty much developed and most babies did very well. He said the early labor could be caused by infection or illness, but he didn’t seem overly concerned. They gave me IV antibiotics just in case and also some steroids to help strengthen the baby's lungs. In the evening, I finally was dilated enough to begin pushing. Things went okay for a little bit, except my epidural began to wear off and the pain was intense. The baby moved down only so far and then he wasn't making much progress. I had a new doctor, one that was wonderful and not rude like the first one. He said we could keep trying to push for awhile because the heartbeat was staying strong, but soon we might have to think about forceps or a c-section. I continued trying on my own, but then he got the forceps and started trying harder to get the baby out. All in all, I pushed for 2 ½ hours and it was terrible! Apparently the baby’s heartbeat, which had been strong all along, began to weaken and all of the sudden, four nurses were pushing on my stomach while the doctor and other nurse pulled with forceps to bring Hudson into the world (8:08 pm, July 3). It was really fast at that point, and so painful I can't even describe it. A baby is one thing, but metal tools are another...that’s all I will say. Anyway, I was oblivious to what was happening since I was just relieved that some of the pain was gone. The NICU nurses were waiting there and grabbed him and took him off to the crib. He was blue and not breathing, so they resuscitated him and took him away. I didn't know what was happening, but Lee was at the other end of the room crying and I assumed the baby had not lived. I didn’t ask because in my current vulnerable state, physically and emotionally, after the delivery I had just experienced, I couldn’t even handle asking the question to find out if he was alive. I don't even know how long it took to find out he was a boy. Once we did, I told my mom his name was “Hudson Wayne”…Hudson was after Hudson Taylor, pioneer missionary to China and a name I loved for its strength and Wayne for my father, Wayne Hannah. We told my dad over the phone his name and when he finally saw me in the hospital, he had tears in his eyes and simply said, “Thank you!” We were able to get updates from our OB and from the neonatologist. They told us Hudson had Hydrops, which is a term they use for this condition of having excess fluid in the baby’s body. It can be caused by over 100 different things, sometimes bacterial infections, viral infections, or congenital defects. The doctor said that about 50% of the causes are fatal and 50% can be treated. The doctor informed us that they were going to transfer Hudson to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta at Egleston (part of Emory University) so they could give him more intensive and specialized care. Around 11pm, I was able to walk (with Lee’s and my mom’s help) over to the NICU and visit Hudson. We both talked with little Hudson, and he would move in response to our voices. We held his hand and he grasped our fingers. We were only with him for a few minutes, but it was a very special time since he was alert and active. Later, Grandma Gina went to see him and the nurse showed her that when she put her finger in his mouth, he would suck on it. So she put Hudson’s thumb in his mouth and he began sucking. She snapped a picture, and this is one of our favorites! 1:00 am - The Angel II unit (the special Neonatal transport unit from the children’s hospital) arrived to transport Hudson. It took about an hour to remove him from the unit at North Fulton Hospital into an incubator unit to take him away. The nurses from Egleston wheeled Hudson into my hospital room so I could have a quick visit with him before he has to leave. Hudson was transported to the Children’s Hospital and again, he was removed from that unit and hooked up to the necessary machines in his new bed at Egleston. Lee and Ed Hart left right after Hudson and went to meet him at Egleston. My mom stayed with me and we tried to get some sleep. Around 5:30 am, my dad, Alex, and Whitney arrived at my hospital, having driven all night from Indiana. Shortly thereafter, Lee came back to the hospital after seeing Hudson at Egleston and then my family left to see Hudson and find a hotel near his hospital in which to stay. At some point later in the day, my dad, Whitney, and Alex find themselves stranded along I-85, a major highway running through Atlanta. Their car had finally called it quits right in the middle of the crisis with Hudson! To make a long story short, the engine was later that week completely replaced and Lee and I drove it back to Indiana when we came back. Through this all, Ed & Susan, our dear dear friends, were an incredible blessing. They became more like family than they already were and were by our sides whenever we needed them and served us in incredible ways! Lee’s parents also arrived and were by our sides. We were surrounded by so much love and so many prayers. I can’t describe the blessing that our family was to us! July 5, I was determined to leave the hospital although I never would have if Hudson hadn’t been so far away and I wanted to be with him. I was in so much pain. I could barely sit, even with a “donut”, and it was nearly impossible to walk. The doctor said I could leave and have a check-up in three weeks. Lee’s parents drove us to Egleston and I prepared to see my baby for the first time in over 24 hours! During the day, I spent some time by Hudson’s bed, trying to grasp the overwhelming bits of information coming at me from Lee, nurses, doctors, lactation consultants, etc. I had been using a hospital pump to get tiny amounts of colostrum (early milk) for Hudson and it was becoming more and more difficult to produce any because of the emotional and physical stress I was under. I felt so completely helpless watching him lie there and I felt numb. I could barely walk down the hall to the NICU from the waiting room and my feet swelled so that they were several inches larger in circumference than normal (I am not exaggerating). I guess in situations like these, the large amount of incoming “data”, whether from my body, mind, other people, emotions, etc., is too much to process, so I went into auto-pilot and felt like I was watching myself rather than living in my body. At 7pm that evening, the nurses had a shift change. Visitors, even parents, had to leave for a half hour to an hour while they conferred and switched. My family encouraged me to come to dinner with them to keep up my strength. I wanted time with my baby, but my desire to stay physically strong for his sake won out. I regret that now because now I know he was in his final hours. When we returned, Hudson was hooked up to an EKG because his heart had some erratic beating. They said it wasn’t a big deal, they were just getting a new baseline on his heartbeat. A few visitors came back to sit with me while I watch over him. Around 10:30, Lee was with me and one by one, several nurses came over to Hudson’s bed. They seemed so calm, but they started to become more and more active in their actions toward him. They said something about his color not being good and asked us to leave. As soon as we left the NICU, I fell against the wall and started to cry, fearing what was happening. Lee pretty much forced me to walk down the long hall so we could be with our family/friends and pray together. We heard them call a “Code Blue”, saw doctors running in, saw Hudson’s primary physician rush by and then around 11:15, she came out and told us that Hudson was gone. He passed away at 11:02. They tried to revive him, but nothing was successful. We found out later that the fluid in his chest had entered the sac around his heart and squeezed it, leading to cardiac arrest. The fluid was caused by a lymph system defect which was 100% fatal. Although I desperately wanted more time with him, knowing we could have spent weeks there with so much more pain for him and financial burden on the hospital and us with the same result, we are glad it happened when it did. Our hearts shattered, of course, and we heard the doctor through our sobs telling us we could come and hold him and spend as much time as we wanted with him. Lee and I went and spent such sweet time with our son. I wanted to squeeze him so hard, this was my first moment to hold him, but he was already gone. My mom and I sadly realized that we were rocking back and forth while holding him…it was such a natural instinct…one that he didn’t need. The nurses were so sweet, so unobtrusive. They took a few pictures of us with our baby and I treasure them! They told me I could choose to lay him in his bed and leave or they could take him from me. It was important for me to leave him, not have him taken from my arms, so when we had been drained of everything, Lee and I decided to leave. That moment is still the most awful moment of my life. I laid my baby down in his bed and walked away knowing that I would never see his face or hold him ever again. The next day, we received pictures of Hudson. Again, we realized how God had blessed us by having Hudson born in Atlanta. The nurses were experts at dealing with this painful parting and they took incredible pictures of him. He was so beautiful and peaceful in the pictures they captured and we were glad that we would be able to share them with others in the weeks, even years, to come. July 8 was Hudson’s memorial service. We had it in Atlanta and the funeral home covered all our expenses, including his cremation. Being the type of person I am, I designed the service program, even printed them myself at Kinkos with Lee’s and Whitney’s help. I think I needed to be in control of that because I wanted the day to be special and be an expression of us. I still was numb and probably came across cold even, but I was needing a purpose and a goal and the service became my project. At first, my two college friends, Kelsey and Kristin, were planning on coming down from Indiana, but they each had a toddler and it didn’t work out. I understood, but was still very sad. My mom got a call then from three other college friends, Christa, Sarah and Deb. They told her they wanted to come and she started crying. Christa said, “is that okay?” but my mom was just crying because she was so happy and knew I would be too. I have always regretted that I wasn’t even vulnerable with these three precious friends who drove so far to be with me. I think they understand because they know me so well, but I was still in a fog and wasn’t dealing with the grief to the full extent (thank God…that would have been unbearable). Lee and I found that I lost control and grieved when I was alone with him or maybe with my immediate family. Lee was stronger at these times and he lost control of his emotions when with larger groups. It still happens this way and I am glad for it most of the time. I felt like I seemed unfeeling and so reserved/cold, but I am too private and too concerned with not making others uncomfortable, that I didn’t share my grief very often. Good, bad, indifferent, this was just the way it was. This is my baby’s story. I know it is long and for those who are still reading, thank you for listening. I just want to say that the people who were by our sides through this were amazing…by God’s grace! The Harts, Hannahs, Behars, Lescalleets, Hills, Christa, Sarah, Deb, Andrea, all the families from Perimeter Church, the Popes, Purcells, Beans, I’m probably leaving people out…these people were used by God in mighty ways in our lives. We are blessed!